Barry Jopper And The Notoriously Ordinary Stone
by pierceth3sirens
Summary: The thrilling tale of how Barry Jopper, helped by Roonil Wazlib, Ermine Cringer, and the Notoriously Ordinary Stone, defeat Kermit the Frog (oops, I mean Lord Moldybutt).


**A/N: For my Creative Writing class, we had to write a parody of a book/movie we liked. Mine was so bad (read 'funny') that I decided to upload it here. Um... yeah, that's about it. Enjoy!**

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Once upon a time in a cold, dark, damp place, at the end of the horrible Ligustrum Drive lived a boy. This boy was not an ordinary boy; he had no potential whatsoever (unless you count having the loudest burp in all of suburban London). As you must have guessed the boy in question is none other than Barry Jopper - the boy who lived with severe ADHD and hyperopia, but alive nonetheless. Barry was a very unique 15-year-old (he failed 4 times) because he had so many useless talents, like wiggling his ears, which made him despised by all. He lived with his uncle, aunt, and cousin because his parents were murdered by the most infamous villain of all time: Kermit the Frog. Oops, I mean Lord Moldybutt. His aunt and uncle treated him like a slave and didn't ever once feel sorry for him because he lost his parents. Barry always had to cook their food and wash their clothes and clean their floors and never got anything in return.

One day Barry woke up to the sound of his aunt screaming at him to make sure the bacon didn't burn and he went to go check the mail. When Barry saw what was lying on the front door mat, he thought he might be seeing things. He never got mail. Yet it was sitting right there in his hands. There was a letter addressed to him from the Juvenile State Penitentiary for Murderous Kids calling him back. He was the happiest he had been in a long time. He was going to school. But everything changed when the next day he got another letter from some place called Pigfarts.

The letter said:

Dude, you're a wizard Harry, and as most other wizards at your age do, you are coming to Pigfarts. The list of items you have to get are sent with this letter. Plus the Ministry of blah blah blah blah. Lookin' forward to meetin' ya.

Your friend (and advanced beatboxing teacher),

Dumbledude

P.S.: Mah homies call me Dub. I sent you a CD with this letter, mah rappin' debut. Tell me how ya liked it. Later bro.

This letter changed Barry's life forever. For some reason his aunt and uncle seemed very mad when they saw it but Barry didn't understand why. Why weren't they happy for him? He was finally going to school! He was going to be introduced into a whole new world of hip-hop and magic. He felt that he would have the power to destroy Lord Moldybutt and his Death Rappers.

Two days later he was at the Queens Square's station. He was in a sort of fix. His ticket said station 9.124506. There was a station 9.124505 and a station 9.124507 but no station 9.124506 to be found. He stood there looking confused for a while and decided to ask someone. Soon he saw a hog of a woman come with a whole army of children. Barry was scared that they would squash him flat, but luckily the lady and all 54574893579 children stopped and the lady asked Barry "Are you going to Pigfarts too?" to which Barry replied with a yes. The lady then asked him "Which year are you in?" Barry said he was in his first. She told him that her son Roonil Wazlib was also his first year. She then told Barry that to get to station 9.124506 he had to just run into the pillar between stations

9.124505 and 9.124507 while screaming 'COUNTRY MUSIC SUCKS!'. Barry did what the woman told him and he couldn't believe what he saw. He had finally reached station 9.124506, where he saw the majestic Pigfarts train. He found Roonil and Roonil told him that it was the fastest train in the wizard world and the only one painted red and black. They found an empty carriage and sat down.

Barry took out his trunk and opened it, inside was the weirdest collection of items Roonil had ever seen. There was a drill, a hammer, a baseball bat and a few personal items like a shaving kit, underwear and some assorted items. When Roonil inquired about them, Barry told him that they reminded him of his good ol' days at the Juvenile State Penitentiary for Murderous Kids. Barry just took out a credit card that said Slingshotts Wizard Bank, which had been given to him by Halfwit, and put his trunk away. Soon the candy lady came and they both took sugar-free chocolate toads and Barry paid with his card. They had just started eating when a very pretty girl burst in and asked, "Is this seat empty?" Barry both instantly fell in love with her and was too mesmerized to talk. She soon took out a book called '100 Ways to Get a Guy' and started reading. Suddenly, she looked at Barry and said, "Your eyes are like emeralds, baby." Barry just came to his senses and groggily replied, "My eyes are brown." She snapped back saying, "Don't flatter yourself honey, just practicing." The rest of the journey was particularly uneventful.

After a while, Barry and Roonil saw the majestic Pigfarts Castle looming up ahead. The train came to a halt a few minutes later. As soon as they got down they saw Halfwit standing their like a dumb pillar, but the moment he saw people coming out he started shouting "Firs' 'ears, form a line!" Barry and Roonil got in line with the other first years. They all started entering the castle and they stood there until Professor McDonalds came through the other children and told them that they all had to be sorted first so they all went and stood right in the center of the dining room/recording studio. Professor McDonalds kept the Sorting Headphones on a stool in the center of the stage. After the Sorting Headphones bugged everyone with its weird song about why everything but magic and hip hop sucked, it began the sorting. One by one the Sorting Headphones kept calling the names of Houses. Barry's name was finally called. He went upstage and sat down. Professor McDonalds kept the sorting headphones on his head and it started speaking. "Uhm, tough, extremely tough, the boy should use a shampoo. As per the house, he is talentless, dumb, and good for nothing; maybe I should put him in Silverfish… But no, he has some nut-headed qualities… Better be GRITTYFLOOR!" Barry happily went and sat down on the Grittyfloor table. Roonil and the girl who sat with them were also sorted into Grittyfloor.

After the feast they went to their dormitories led by Jersey Wazlib, Roonil's elder prefect brother. The entrance was blocked by a portrait of a punk rocker who said, "Password losers, I ain't got all day." Jersey told them the password was 'stop drop and rock'. Soon Barry and Roonil were sitting inside the common room playing Halo on the Xbox 360 provided by the school when the girl who was with them on the train showed up and asked them their names. "Really, we've been together all day and I STILL don't know your names!" she exclaimed arrogantly. Barry nervously stuttered out, "I-I-I'm Barry Jopper." Roonil said, "I'm Roonil, Roonil Wazlib. But you can call me Roon." The girl looked up at them haughtily and said, "I'm Ermine Cringer, and I know who you are Barry. There are books about you because you defeated Lord Moldybutt; and I've heard of the Weasleys, they're purebloods but all the _real_ purebloods know that they're traitors." Roon's ears suddenly turned a violent shade of red and he shouted at Ermine, "Oh yeah, you think you're sooo good. What line of purebloods are you from then?" to which she replied, "The Malfeasance's." Barry just watched them fight and fight and fight until Roon yelled at Ermine, "If you think you're so much better than us, maybe you should have been put in Silverfish!" Ermine yelled back at Roon, "You have the emotional range of a teaspoon! Maybe I want to change and be different from my family!" Then she shut off their Xbox 360 and ran to her dormitory. Before entering though, she turned back and told them, "Don't even try to follow me because you might be killed – or worse, expelled. Goodnight boys." She closed the door to the girls' dormitory shut behind her. Roon just stared at the door where she had disappeared and proclaimed, "She _needs_ to sort out her priorities." Barry, however, wasn't paying attention to Roon, he was thinking about what had just happened, and it really did change his first opinion of Ermine. He thought that he liked her, but now he thought she was an evil little witch. Roon seemed much nicer than her; Barry didn't care if the Weasleys were traitors.

So then for the next 8 months and 27 days nothing at all happened. All the students at Pigfarts went to their classes, ate their food, copied each other's homework, and there was nothing interesting whatsoever.

Then, 2 days before school ended, Barry discovered that one of his teachers (Professor Severe Snipe) was actually Lord Moldybutt in disguise. As soon as he realized this, he asked Roon and Ermine for help. They were reluctant to be with each other but agreed to help Barry since they both liked him. They went down to Snipe's office and saw that Lord Moldybutt's face was on the back of Snipe's now shaved head. "That's why we could never see him," whispered Ermine, "His face was always covered by Snipe's disgusting greasy hair." Barry was ready to finish off Lord Moldybutt, so he pulled out his powerful Dr. Dre beats headphones and his super dj spin table and tossed them to Roon and Ermine. Then he grabbed his magic microphone and held it up to his mouth. He screamed a magic rap into it ("AVADA KEDAVRA, YOU'RE AS NASTY AS A DOLABRA!") and cursed Lord Moldybutt. His face was sucked off of Snipe's head and his body magically appeared on the floor at Barry's feet. Barry reached into his pocket and pulled out the notoriously ordinary stone and threw it at Lord Moldybutt. His body burned to ashes which were blown away by a cold draft.

Barry, Roon, and Ermine started cheering and hugging and soon the entire school was down in Snipe's office listening to the trio tell and re-tell what had just happened. Suddenly, Dumbledude appeared and said to Barry, "Yo dude, so good to see you man! Can't believe you just killed Kermit right inside the school; that's so gnarly! Thanks for doing it though, great help to the wizard world and it makes you look uber cool. Well I have to go back to the recording studio, working on mah new hit single; I'll send it to you as soon as I'm done. Later bro," and disappeared as quickly as he appeared. So the school year ended in complete pandemonium, with Grittyfloor winning the House Cup. Also, Roon and Ermine got over their differences and the three became best friends and they all lived happily ever after.

THE END


End file.
